Tuesday, April 05, 2005


As 10 year olds, we were as friendly as a boy and girl could be. As we played Table Tennis on the same side of the table, doubles partners, post another romantic rejection by an older female, BM said to me, "Not to worry. I could always marry you." And stupid me was secretly flattered he chose me; and hurt at the same time that he chose me when none agreed. Anyway, I had the sense to not show it and scowled as usual at him. "Bah!"

BM was far matured and intelligent than me. That's why he probably never had patience with people his age and size. And BM wooed girls long before we realised boys were to be flirted with and maybe married one day. Possibly because BM had siblings years elder to him, hung out with much older friends... he got used to older people. And he liked women a good deal older than him. But his tragedy was they never took him seriously!

We sat on the old club's stone steps and giggled together. He made fun of people and taught me to laugh too. He seated me on the bar of his cycle as we raced through the little lanes. When he demanded and got his bike (at a pretty young age), we vroomed about town. He gave me a puff of his cigarette and I swore off them for life.

He was the smartest in his class. A born leader. Everbody wanted to be his friend. But he was bored of it all. Very soon, there was nothing left for him to do, to have. He turned to new challenges, dangerous ones.

Several times I caught BM gulping down bottles of banned cough syrup. Around the same time, I got caught in other activities and travelled a lot. A few years later, Mom informed me, BM had turned hard core drug addict. The next time she told me he was in a rehabilitation centre. Some common friends I met, said he talked of me with fondness.

Time went by. Nobody spoke of him anymore, including me. And one day I was told casually, that he was gone. Passed away at 23.

Strangely inspite of the madness the surrounded BM eventually, I relate him to sunshine and laughter. I find in my memories, happiness and a great friendship. A partner on the same side of the table sending me a look that said "Unleash that deadly serve of yours, and I will follow it up!!"

Sometimes I wonder if I could have made a difference. If I just bothered enough to pull him out of the hole he was sinking into...

My conscience pricks me till I am left bleeding.


Blogger Ad astra per aspera said...

That's such a sad end. :-( I doubt you could have done anything about it though. Some people are like moths, they live life with a frenzied zest and eventually get attracted to their own destruction. Like moths to the flame.
I had a relative who ended up pretty much the same way, but all I remember of him is his infectious zest for life.

12:11 am  
Blogger alpha said...

Hey Anumita, Don't be hard on yourself. It is a tragedy and I feel sorry for your loss. Be glad that you imbibed his positive aspects and the fact that he continues to live through your memories.

4:33 am  
Blogger Dileepan said...

I wanted to comment on this article, but I think I am a little stunned by it right now.

6:14 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it is indeed sad.

but you know! we are here today cause We chose it to be. it is pointless to blame others for the same.

apart from that, how are you doing Anumita? spoke with pallavi today. we plan to meet up sometime soon :)


4:29 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shine on, crazy diamond.


5:13 pm  
Blogger anumita said...

ad astra: Maybe you are right. But there are always regrets about not trying at all.

alpha: I get scared that I may one day forget him, or what I didn't do for him. It's already turning hazy. For fear of that I wrote it all down.

dileepan: Did it shock you so much? I am sure BM is amused and smirking at all this, from wherever he is!

pompy: Sometimes it helps so much to just have an extra hand to hold on to... not offering mine is what bothers me. But I guess you are right.
Gosh, this is turning weepy!
Am doing okay. You in Bangalore now?

5:15 pm  
Blogger anumita said...

Anita: I guess the comment wasn't meant for this post. Anyway, how goes life with you?

5:19 pm  
Blogger Chakra Sampath said...

Anumita, sorry for the loss. But don't feel bad about that. Let bygones be bygones.

2:29 pm  
Blogger anumita said...

chakra: You can't help feeling bad. But I am telling myself feeling bad for someone you cared is better than not feeling at all.

3:52 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nope, the comment was meant for this post.

Remember when you were young,
You shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes,
Like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire
Of childhood and stardom,
Blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon,
You cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night,
And exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome
With random precision,
Rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
Come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

-- Shine on you crazy diamond, Pink Floyd


4:51 pm  
Blogger anumita said...

Gee! Sorry... I was wondering if you commented on Crazy Diamond's blog and posted on mine. (honest, there's a blogger called that!) Now I realize how apt the comment was!
Hah! I am going crazy too. *frantically searching for "The Wall" now*

6:02 pm  
Blogger anumita said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:11 pm  
Blogger anumita said...

Anita: The earlier message was for you. (Proof of craziness)

6:15 pm  
Blogger GratisGab said...

Well written piece.

8:35 pm  
Blogger anumita said...

gratisgab: Thank you. :)

12:21 pm  

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