why...?
What do you do when your friend is sleeping with a married man? A man she believes will leave his wife with whom he had two kids, and marry her? A man you know will never leave wife or family or anyone for that matter. A fact you explain to her as wrong to even wish for. Given there are innocent kids in the way.
A pretty common story. But it involves a woman who was once my closest friend. We drifted apart for other reasons but I did try to talk sense into her when we were still friendly. This is a woman who gave the best advice to other people with emotional baggage. Who has the most sensible opinions on the most outrageous situations. And yes, she has set up her own flourishing business.
But where her personal love life is concerned, she allows herself to be emotionally tortured. She's not even happy cause I have seen her weeping pitifully, roaming about like a zombie, and promising to have 'a talk with him'. But the moment the creep calls, she forgets everything and shamelessly goes to please his needs.
I just cannot understand what drives her... I just cannot understand why...
A pretty common story. But it involves a woman who was once my closest friend. We drifted apart for other reasons but I did try to talk sense into her when we were still friendly. This is a woman who gave the best advice to other people with emotional baggage. Who has the most sensible opinions on the most outrageous situations. And yes, she has set up her own flourishing business.
But where her personal love life is concerned, she allows herself to be emotionally tortured. She's not even happy cause I have seen her weeping pitifully, roaming about like a zombie, and promising to have 'a talk with him'. But the moment the creep calls, she forgets everything and shamelessly goes to please his needs.
I just cannot understand what drives her... I just cannot understand why...
posted by anumita at 2:23 pm
19 Comments:
not just her...infact all women i know involved with married men behave like that...!! I guess its something to do with hope plus the inability to accpet the truth. I think, all u can do is be there for her...
bips
Some call it love .. I call it an insane desire to be loved against all odds.
For some odd reason I know what's going on in her mind. She knows she is being taken for a ride , but she just can't stop. She knows this will destroy her in the end... but she can't/ won't stop herself from pressing the ' self destruct ' button.
We women are pathetic slaves to anything / anyone who offers a morself of love. Bips is right, it's pointless trying to talk sense into her. Just be there when all hell breaks loose..like it definitely will sooner or later.
You'll never know, so just let it be and be around for the painfulness later.
Hmmm... heard this story so many times. No one but the people in the relationship should decide for what its worth.
I guess it is much easier on oneself to lead a honest but happy life.
Maybe I am old fshioned or maybe I am outdated. Ofcourse this Doesent mean that a morally cliched life.
vasu
any advice you give will fall on deaf ears. guess your being around is the thing which she needs most.
Parna
bips: I guess you are right. It just makes me want to wring the creep's neck.
ad astra: You are right, she knows and makes up her mind to do something about it but the guy is such a smooth talker that she comes back with stars in her eyes after meeting him. After the problems start again!
kahini: It drive me crazy seeing her like that and not being able to do anything about it. I can almost see this guy, mocking and winking at me from behind her back saying "she's too stupid to listen to you."
vasu: When one person in the relationship suffers and that person is close to you, it's but obvious, you try to pull her out of her misery. Leading a honest AND happy life is a myth.
parna: I am around. But it pisses me that she comes crying to me at 2am with exactly the same situation I would have warned her against.
Hmmmm,Why do you want to wring the guy's neck? Did he hide that he is married? She is not a baby! She knew what she got into.
venkat: He did hide, at least in the beginning. And please note, it is I who want to wring his neck, not her. Though I wish it was otherwise...
Yeah I've seen a desperate need to be loved and wanted in people - moreso in bigger cities where people are too busy for each other and are islands in themselves. Death wish? or Carpe Diem??
have been wondering why you havent been posting.
sometimes ppl invest so much of themselves in a relationship that they are scared that they will lose everything if they break this. sometimes loneliness and uncertainity about the future makes us make the wrong decision, almost desperate decisions.
i hope your freind realises that she is one who will be hurt in the end and the guy was a creep to hide it.
i hv also come across guys who are in dead marriages but still...its crazy to get involved with an 'involved' person.
ok.. here is a different take on this and I know I would be caned by all. Nevertheless, it ought to be heard.
Everyone wants more than one. variety is the spice of life. Nature decides the best to propogate and further its genes.
In yester years, men openly had more than one wife and some men a harem. Socially it set his status and showed the rest who the big guy in town is. This was not considered cheap, uncouth or anything.
Though social and moral values have changed, the primal instincts to plant the seeds havent. In those days people were honest and open and led legitimate ones. Nowadays people hide it.
And honesty is for no one else but for oneself. No baggages and no judgements.
multiple partners sometimes within and outside of marriges is considered cheating only now and only in a one man one wife system. If it suits people, they will happily galavant.
Ofcourse, I am not trying to just see this phenomena in a larger picture.
The problem lies in this person lying to herself that this guy is going to get married. The guy obviously is happy cos, he doesent lie to himself. He is at peace. She just have to stop escaping herself. After that she will use him for her physical needs and not vice-versa. And she would be happy doing it.
ok... folks now cane me...
vasu
Oops.. I forgot to answer the key quetion...
>>vasu: When one person in the >>relationship suffers and that >>person is close to you, it's >>but obvious, you try to pull >>her out of her misery. Leading >>a honest AND happy life is a >>myth.
Yes you are right and I wuold/have done the same for my friends. Almost the same case.
But there is no use if she doesent become honest to herself and start trusting herself. You wont be there always would you ? I think there is an old subashithani saying which translates to "One is ones best friend, and one is ones worst enemy".
About being Honest and happy. There is no way to be happy, if you are not honest to oneself. Simple scintific fact is happyness is a state of mind caused by release of a certain harmone in the brain. Honesty is the only way for the brain to de-stress on a long term. The only sustainable way to be happy is to be honest to oneself.
e.g. If a person has multiple partners and is justifying it to himself in other ways except saying that "I need multiple partners", he is hiding behind a facade of guilt and stress. If he/she says, I need more than one man/woman to satisfy carnal needs, he/she doesent carry the guilt and baggage and lies are for managing external environment and not for oneself.
Think dispassionately a little and you will see why I am saying. Ofcourse, I do understand your emotional attachment to your friend. But dont alienate yourself by thinking for her.
vasu
Insanity...
Maybe the married couple have an "understanding". So common nowadays, so depressing.
There's nothing you can say or do...she has to come to her senses.
This is terrible.
Though the gender roles are reversed for me.
She is the one that is engaged. She is the one that wants me back.
What do I do?
Just what do I do?
Terrible mess, like everyone else has already said be there for her when things fall apart and it is bound to happen sooner or later.
just another vicious circle which many a woman falls into.. SIGH
pranav: You are right. Big cities make people want to feel loved. But big cities are also meant to make people less vulnerable.
gulnaz: Sometimes I just stop posting and forget about it. Yes, it's not worth getting involved with a married type. Too complicated and lots to lose.
vasu: Thanks! That's a whole lot you said. And I am sure in your opinion, you are right.
gratis: Maybe they do have an understanding. Cause I believe a woman always knows when her man is cheating on her.
tricorn: Talk to her. Talk to yourself. Then decide.
uma: I guess so. Just wait and watch and hold out my arms for her to heap into.
pallavi: Many and many a sensible woman fall into!
These are twisted times.
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