Friday, June 29, 2007

A good enough reason for divorce

Someone recently confided that she cannot bear to live with the man she married almost 5 years back. There's nothing they share, she says. Taste, interests, opinions, preferences, backgrounds… nothing common at all. I didn't ask why she married him in the first place then. It would have served no purpose.

And one more reason is that she feels let down. For he not going according to plans they made together about their future. Plans they made after she pulled him out of severe crisis and got his business back on its feet.

She is looking for a way out but is worried because of the one and a half year old baby they have. I remind her she needs to be independent first for she did give up working when she became a mother. Also bringing up a child as a single mother is not too easy.

I totally understand what she's going through. I know exactly what she means when she says that she cannot discuss even little everyday things like her music, her painting, with him, all of which she was so passionate about at one time. I admire that she has the guts to be honest with herself.

It set me thinking about the reasons that marriages are breaking up for these days. Not adultery (she forgave him that 2 years back!), not domestic violence, but something that's present in most relationships – lack of connectivity.


Blogger Stone said...

I know!!

10:45 PM  
Blogger Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Very thought-provoking! Maybe your question still holds: why did she marry him in the first place?

4:06 AM  
Blogger asuph said...

Okay, I'm shooting from web-wisdom here, but postpartum depression, having stopped working -- and the emptiness thereof, low self-worth problem because of either of the two above, the way some of these transitions are handled by the partner -- and his awareness of those in the first place... a lot of such factors can contribute to a feeling of "unhealthy relationship". it's like we complain of chest pain when a nerve in shoulder has inflamed. I'm not saying this is the case, but that one needs to rule that out. Maybe you've done it already, just thought I should mention.


11:17 AM  
Anonymous Gaizabonts said...

brings two concepts to the fore - these days, we do not have enough patience and we are overtly sensitive about stuff. Not necessarily bad or wrong or despicable. In a world that serves almost everything instantly, instant gratification is struggling to be me-too.

4:10 PM  
Blogger Unmana said...

That's a good thing, isn't it, that people are looking for companionship, for compatibility? Physical fidelity (where it exists) is usually not - and in my view, should not - be the only thing that holds together a relationship. But yes, it would be wiser to think of that beforehand.

6:12 PM  
Blogger Sangita said...

I always think it takes real guts for ppl to come out of relationship after giving it so much of time & everything..Must be scary..

9:47 PM  
Blogger Raccoon said...

I so agree. When we got married, the best advice we got for handling the long-distance relationship was to keep the communication up for even the most mundane things in life. And its really worked.

5:13 AM  
Blogger AmitL said...

Hi,Anumita,I'm here after quite some time.:)I totally agree-communication is the key to most relationships.And,of course,adapting,letting go of one's e-go.:)

7:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You said it very correct. Your friend is honest to admit it...but so many people live in a loveless marriage. Talking is very important in any relationship. She can always voice her concerns to her spouse and try sorting out. Getting a divorce is very easy. Helping one’s marriage to stay afloat is a very big challenge. Opening the communication channel is the key to this problem.....

4:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i know. and i'm leaving.
what is this an epidemic..


12:56 PM  
Anonymous Pallavi said...

she needs new interests in her life.. its very imp to develop your own space well... so that during these times.. you have something to fall back on and you are bang on to marriage with new flavors... buhahaha !!!

2:36 PM  
Blogger upsilamba said...

I know its easier said than done -- but is there a way you can help these guys bring back together?
Talk to the guy - maybe he wants to vent out and get it all cleared too? Well, I am sure you have thought more into it than my 2 cents while commenting in here.

....Its so depressing to hear about such break ups. And now, with such an young one to be brought up -- I wish and wish things would change and they talk thorough.

Sending peace..

9:51 PM  
Blogger Phish said...

read all the comments. what can i say that hasn't been said already. the problem is twofold. i think society has changed to an extent that people have lost patience or the ability to work things out. there are enough options waiting, always. and one bad thing is disruptive enough to stage a walk out.

efforts to regain normalcy is often looked upon as futile - "why waste time? there's someone out there who's perfect for you" ...we hear, all the time. so the search continues. endless and unsatisfying.

in the meanwhile, you have lost the two best years of your life because of an innate laziness and a hunger for more.

i am not saying for once that this is the situation with your friend here. but then again every situation is as unique as it is commonplace.

4:00 PM  
Anonymous jarvarm said...

Lack of connectivity..yup you're right,Anumita..We've got married six yrs back..during this period,got so many verbal disputes regarding somany issues..Some of them on trivial issues like..RGV is the best or not..lolz..But only because of the connectivity,we're still,living with each other.

with love

6:49 PM  
Blogger Tricorn said...

Oh Anumita!

Why is it whenever (which admittedly is shamefully rare) I drop by and read your blog, you trace your finger on what is etched painfully on my heart!


I stand (for it is all I can do) to be judged for the very lack of connectivity that you have presented.

My personal and recent loss is caused by my disdainful lack of connecting with my Love.

Now she is lost to me.

I stand to be judged.

For it is all that is left for me to do.

8:00 PM  
Blogger shub said...

lack of connectivity. so true.

And "why did she marry him in the first place?" doesn't always work. People can and do grow apart after a few years, and they end up asking the very same question to themselves...

We all evolve continuously, and when you begin to realise it's in different directions, it's time to call it quits. Simple as that.

1:20 PM  
Blogger Superunknown said...

Lack of connectivity is not good enough reason for a divorce. It can always be worked out. the divorce is always painful and should always be avoided unless there is really a genuine reason for it.

This days we seem to loose patience and the modern age couples need to look to the previous generation where people managed to hang on to each other despite troubles and thats where lies the success of any relationship...

Having said that doesnt imply that one should remain in a bad marriage or troubled relationship...

10:15 AM  
Blogger GettingThereNow said...

So, you've had a long break now. Tag! You're it!! See my blog for details.

11:39 PM  
Blogger Prasoon said...

The line "lack of connectivity" says it all :(
Donno why it so happens tht relationship breaks n soon one of the two thinks that there is someone better out there just waiting for them.

9:35 AM  
Blogger @$#!$# said...

i find it difficult to understand how can two people who are married, have a baby, can lose connectivity? it sounds really bizzare....but nothing is impossible in today's world, isn't it?

5:16 PM  
Blogger Melody said...

Have to agree with Superunknown here completely. I know it's clichéd to say this but - especially for the sake of the baby.

I think a lot of people who remained married in the past did so because they didn't have any option to divorce - and hence worked at their marriages & though some of them had loveless marriages, many of them actually overcame the worst.

Still all that being said, we cannot judge any particular case because it's upto those individuals. All we can do is put our 100% into our marriages.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Natasha said...

Her guts to break herself free is what is rare in women. But again, shouldn't it bring us back to the basic question, ''Why do we marry? What do we want out of life?'' Life, afterall, is a compromise,isn't it?
Anyways,a very relevant piece of writing.

5:28 PM  
Anonymous Tanuj said...

I think there is lack of understanding the institution that marriage is. Maybe we all marry because we think that is a social norm, but the fact is that it is a period when we really learn about life. If one analyzes the purpose of marriage before doing it then there would not be dissent between couples and one would be prepared to accept whatever life has to offer.

1:52 AM  
Blogger gulnaz said...

this might sound strange and not politically correct, but i dont think thats reason enough to divorce... i might be wrong, i'm single... but what i dont get is i dont expect my various freinds or my siblings to share all my tastes... i have blogger freinds whom i share my writings with and yet i dont do so with my other freinds or family...dont discuss such thigns.
there are kinds of music i like which those close to me don't so why should all these expectations come from a spouse. if he stops you from growing then its reason to hate him or dislike him enough to divorce but just because you have different tastes!!
the adultery was a better reason and perhaps she never got the betrayal and the financials seem more of a reason here

12:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Divorce is the easy way out. And sometimes, it's the ONLY way. Trust me, however good your relationship is before ur marriage, after ur marriage, things almost always go wrong.

After all, its not easy for 2 individuals to live as one! I’ve been married for less than a year but sometimes our points of view can be so aggravatingly different and we have such scathing wordy duels that I’m most tempted to call it quits.

But then I realise that we think of divorce only because we carry within us an idealistic image...and there is this elusive sense of “perfect” that we all grapple with.

Chances are that even if you do find somebody else, there will be a different set of problems that you'll have to deal with. Cos boyfriends (and girlfriends) morph into totally different beings whom you’d never have imagined after marriage.

But if there is physical abuse/adultery, it’s best to leave.

10:59 AM  
Blogger Veda said...

I can't help wondering if it's a
generation thing.

All our grandparents somehow stuck together till death did them part, most of our parents seem to be managing fine. But we, we seem to be looking for something even after we've convinced ourselves that we've found love.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Priyanka Mahanta said...

Hi, jus came by to check whats new. Ya...these r precisely the things which scares me off from getting into a full-time relationship. Wonder if terms like 'soul-mates' exist only in romantic movies and best-selling fictional novels...

6:07 PM  
Blogger Arunima said...

umm, she needs to get busy doing something first and yes the job too but why divorce? She should try to work a way out first. Who killed her hobbies? herself or someone else?

6:36 PM  
Blogger anumita said...

Stone: Do you really?

Sudipta: I wonder too.

asuph: I think you are right. I thought so too.

gaizabonts: How right! But is there a solution, a way out?

unmana: I dont know. Sometimes I think we are not ready to accept changes which are inevitable.

sangita: It takes huge guts!!

raccoon: I guess when you are married longer mundane gets even more mundane!

amitl: I know but I guess it's a little difficult to carry out.

anonymous: Maybe. But sometimes people dont even want to talk. She simply wants out here. Maybe it will pass.

miko: What happened dear? And you totally stopped blogging.

pallavi: That's so true. Said something to that tune to her. She's taking it well.

upsilamba: I cant talk to him.It ll be like betraying her as she has confided in me. But yes, she's agreed to talk to him herself.

phish: You mak sense. Like I try to understand and not get judgemental for I'll never really know myself what she's going through.

jarvarm: Same here. And sometimes I feel like leaving him when he disagrees wtih me! But well, here we are, too lazy to move apart.

tricorn: What's it? I realise from your blog there has been a heartbreak. Keep the faith, Kev!

shub: Wise words from a young one! So true honey.

superunknown: I say the same but I guess being in the situation is difficult to deal with.

gettingtherenow: Will get down to it.

prasoon: Dont know if they think of someone better. I think at that moment all they want is to get away from that person.

ashish: As we can see, it has happened a lot of times and will keep happening.

melody: We all get married for life so the intentions are never wrong. Its just somewhere along the way, we lose hope and cant go with it anymore I think.

natasha: Life is not necessary a compromise. Some of us want the most out of it and go for it. Marriage sometimes dont gel into living a life well.

tanuj: We are getting into complicated territories here. I dont think people get into marriage with so much in mind. It's usually a happy occasion that calls for a lot of celebration. The analysis comes when things start going wrong.

gulnaz: I think an equation with a life partner is totally different. For you can have only one of this kind. With siblings and friends you can choose who you vibe with and go accordingly. I think it's extremely important to share certain basic characteristics and I dont mean taste in music and food.

anonymous: I totally agree with you, whoever you are.

veda: It's quite much a generation thing. We look for a way out cause there IS a way.

priyanka: You ll never know unless you try it. Some relationships go on and on and on... and some just fade away...

arunima: I have asked her to get busy herself. Do some work, make some money. The rest comes later.

1:02 AM  
Anonymous Gaizabonts said...

take it slow, i guess?

2:11 AM  
Blogger Varsha said...

Scary lose connectivity.

11:28 PM  
Blogger Garima said...

M getting married next month. Stories like this are really scary. But its quite true...we hear so many news of divorce these days.
What is it that has increased the number? were the ppl tightly connected earlier? or was it society compulsion which forced a couple to drag on even when they are not comfortable with each other??
whatever...but i am really concerned about my relationship. i luv him very very much n cannot afford to loose him at any cost.
or is it that all ppl think the same when their relationship is blooming?

5:49 PM  

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