Saturday, August 12, 2006

Lost in time

I no longer remember what he looks like. But his name and thoughts of him always unsettle me. It's a dull ache but the heart feels light and warm. I hear my mother tell me that he visited her some time back. He's been going to see her wherever he visits the little town.

We met at 7. I went for a coaching camp and while the others went home after training I had to stay on my own in the guest house. For I was the only out of towner. So he took me home to his mother and said, "She's all alone here. Can she stay with us?"

The indulgent mother agrees. An extra bed was moved into his room and I became part of the family. A family of 3 boys and the parents. The boys were curious and happy to find a girl in the house and hung around me most of the time. On my part, I was introduced to noisy arguments at the dinner table and massive consumption of food. The youngest, my friend, was the pampered prince and used his position well.

Later there are questions about my family and thankfully it was discovered that the families knew of each other. While my parents wondered about the people who were voluntarily playing foster parents to me, this family was glad to have a little girl in their midst.

That was the beginning of a home away from home. Of a very important person in my life. We grew really thick. We shared a comfort level that the bestest of friends boast of, and a sense of security and protectiveness that siblings can account for. The whole year as we travelled together, we had each other for company. Two young people tasting life in a grown up world. The happiness was shared, so were the tears. And finally we would come back home together.

We went for practice on his little scooter. And when it ran out of gas, I would push it all the way uphill and then jump behind him to enjoy the ride down. Then there were the beautiful dates with me dressed as prettily as possible, and he, in his neatest, and off we went to have a dinner all by ourselves. We behaved like grown ups and he always paid the bill. Bach at home, I, of course, pulled his hair and we argued till his mother came and put us in separate rooms.

When I wore a saree for the first time, he held my pleats while his brother ironed my blouse. I still draped the saree the wrong way and only realized it when friends saw me in the evening and roared with laughter.

Then a bigger world beckoned and I took flight. For a supposedly better education and to settle my restless heart. College took over and the conversations got difficult. Considering it was over snail mail, a lot happened between one letter and the next. They trickled to a full stop. And finally one day, I realized I no longer know the person I grew up with. I have not spoken to him in more than 14 years. He visits my mother and she passes on titbits about him.

It might seem easy to catch up. But it isn't. He doesn't seem interested and I also have stopped making an effort. I don't know why it has to be like this. I don't even know what else it can be like. But honest, it leaves my heart dull and soft.


Blogger Stone said...

hmm..such is life!! sometimes its better not to get in touch again, there is always a chance of diluting the memories!!!

12:30 am  
Blogger Alapana said...

At about 1.30am in the night i kept reading this post and remembered the days when i used to blog at Akruti and used to keep track of u r posts the moment they were posted:) And i am so happy to see you blogging regularly again.
Certain dreams,memories,people and incidents are meant to fade away with time,but they still haunt us throughout with their sweetness, innocence, and more than anything they make us smile. we grow up with a few ppl and get old with them and cannot live without them,They make our life,and to the other extreme is such relationships were we no longer know eachothewr but they are with us in our thoughts all the time:)

1:36 am  
Blogger Prerona said...

kept reasding this post over and over. i dont know if its a true story but its so brilliantly and neatly and evocatively written congrats

this is an issue i havent figured out myself either. we are so close to some people that they are like a part of yourself. but yes u drift apart, or sometimes grow apart ... how can this happen it feels so sad and unfair. but maybe at some level everything comes into our life bcz we need it at that time and then we dont need it anymore and couldnt fit it into our lives in the same way anymore it goes away rather than change.

9:55 am  
Blogger manoj said...

There was a boy in brazil,(I am not that good in descriptive writing), lost his childhood friend. To come in contact with her he opened up a site called Your blog come very close to his situation. Here it may be possible that you lack the motive. And as for "He doesn't seem interested and I also have stopped making an effort.". He meets your mother sometimes. I think it is you, who is not willing.
Anyway, quite recently I finished reading some part of your blogs (ill 3rd July).I liked most of them the blogs (two of them) heavy rains last year, were the ones which really touched me. Keep writing

10:06 am  
Blogger ketki said...

very nicely written!
i kept pondering over it for some timeless moments!

10:10 am  
Blogger Sudipta Chatterjee said...

You know, there is a poem by Rabindranath Tagore that speaks of a fictional meeting he has with his girlfriend of some previous birth when they are both in heaven. He comes around to say that he couldn't connect to her so well again... there is this distance, the gap that time seemed to have built: so that even the most romantic heavenly hues could not recreate the charm. I think you are living through something similar -- although not the bf/gf thing, but I hope you know what I mean.

Your post was nice, and I think prerona describes what I had to say about the post already. Keep blogging!

12:20 pm  
Blogger Tachyoson said...

isnt change the only constancy in life ? i havent met the best friends i used to have in school in years ... and if the friends happen to be the boy-girl variety (NOT Bf/gf though) ... its very unlikely they'd ever meet up again...

c'est la Vie.

2:51 pm  
Blogger AG said...

sadness redefined.

11:02 pm  
Blogger dazedandconfused said...

Hey some coincidence but even my last post was titled 'Faded Friendships'. Do check it out when you have the time...

10:10 am  
Blogger Ajeya said...

People come together, sometimes for a reason, sometimes for a season and others for a lifetime. But we all move along on our own way eventually, grateful for the time we had together, that we shared what we did and that we moved on when we had to. Everything has its time. Beautiful post.

1:21 pm  
Blogger Priyanka Mahanta said...

I think u shud make a little more effort from your end. Mayb I am wrong,but aftr reading this blog I felt that u've moved ahead in life leaving your childhood friend and his friendship far far away. I think u are still special for him and thats why he still visits your ma. Do make it up and revive your long lost friendship before its too late. Its a sad feeling...

2:55 pm  
Blogger Chakra Sampath said...

Very well written Anumita.

There was a mail doing rounds earlier saying that persons whom we come across in life could be categorised in to three.. 1) season 2) reason 3) lifetime. Your post reminds me of that.

7:32 pm  
Blogger Sangita said...

Very touching post..But sometimes I feel some relations are better left that way so whenever we look back at them it is the fond memories rather than the awkwardness of present

9:53 pm  
Anonymous Khushee said...

Such is life. We can meet and spend years with people but once they are out of site, they start to slip from your mind. We all get involved in our own lives...

6:27 am  
Blogger Swathi said...

sounds kinda sad...
with me it is always 0 or 1, no in betweens which means that ppl i really like i always try n keep in touch with and those that i dont i dun care a damn. but yaa there is this one situation recently where i wud've loved to keep in touch n cant n perhaps 10 years from now i wud have this dull ache (oh! how i hate it)

7:22 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

left my heart heavy too...reading it....

if it makes any difference - hugs girl. {{}}


9:37 pm  
Blogger anumita said...

stone: Maybe you are right.

alapana: Yes, I remember sometimes catching up on each other's comment boxes at 4am!

prerona: It is a true story. My story. I think you have said something beautiful and I woulld like to believe in it... "maybe at some level everything comes into our life bcz we need it at that time and then we dont need it anymore and couldnt fit it into our lives in the same way anymore it goes away rather than change".

Manoj: Welcome and thank you. You are wrong if you say I lack the motive. I tried but when he didn't respond over time, I thought he might have a reason and let things be.

ketki: Welcome and thank you very much.

sudipta: Tell me the name of the poem. I must read it!

tachyoson: Welcome. Change is indeed constant. But how long is it going to take us to accept it? I for one still hold on to memories and feelings of an era gone.

ag: Is it? Welcome.

dazedandconfused: Yes... coincidence we wrote similar posts. But I guess most of us have lost close friends to time.

ajeya: Right. I want to believe that inspite of the heartache.

priyanka: He visits mom not because of me. I made my efforts and he never responded. I never want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to, so I let it be.

chakra: Thanks. So true about the reason, season and lifetime.

sangita: Why cant we grow up and be the same? Why cant we just become a bigger family?

khushee: You hit the nail on the head Khushee.

swathi: Even I like to think I am the same. But how do I account for all the people I have lost in all these years?

pompy: Thanks pomps! Where are you? Do write.

6:42 pm  
Blogger monk15ad said...

Ahhh so there are skeletons out of the closet..Keep em coming!!!

10:23 pm  
Blogger Truth Fairy said...

Been saying this phrase over and over again for the past few days: 'Gates of memories never close'. I think sometimes it's better to keep your good memories tucked away and not dare to reopen something that's closed for so long. You might not feel the same closeness the second time around and that just hurts you more.

11:55 pm  
Blogger Naan said...

That was so nicely written. It reminded me of a long lost pal too... I don't know why he stopped all communication from his end. Last heard he was settled with a Naga girl and also has a daughter now,Anumaita your Lost In Time conneted me to my faded realtions too...

1:51 pm  
Blogger Arunima said...

Change is the only constant.

Sometimes, it is just not possible to have things the way they used to be.

2:32 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why would we wanna change things or get back those lost times.... so is life... we come across a lot of faces and then we forget them.. isnt that fun.. otherwise tell me whats the fun if the person u meet sticks with u for the rest of ur life.. what if everyone that u meet start living with u for the rest of ur life!!! wont that be a mess... wont that destroy our muses...

3:31 pm  
Blogger Pallavi said...

Precious memories... of not so long time back... nostalgisssss hoi goli be.... ki kori asso bangalore ketiya ahibi !!

5:16 pm  
Blogger anumita said...

monk: Whenever I think the closet is bare, something always emerges. Like magic. But skeletons they are definitely not. :)

truth fairy: You are right. But what are memories for if not to bring that glint in your eye and the lump in your throat?

naan: It's making me feel sane that there are others who have felt the same too. Your friend lives close to you?

arunima: I know. But does it also mean that we cannot have them at all?

lash: This theory of yours is scary considering that I did meet someone who I am living with for the rest of my life. :) No, I believe we meet people and take them along, maybe not physically, but definitely in the heart. And that's why we are who we are.

pallavi: Hehehe... ki kobi... alop senti hoi golu. Will miss Rocky's bday. No idea when we can go now but definitely aahim.

11:41 pm  
Anonymous sherriff said...

why do we have to pay price for growing up?

5:04 pm  
Blogger Kuan Gung said...

Life indeed can be curious...well written...nice story with a lot to ponder...

11:40 am  
Blogger venkat said...

Anumita, that is a beautiful post. wonderful to read. I agree with priyanka that making contact and keeping in touch may be nice.

10:29 am  
Blogger anumita said...

sherriff: Considering we are still growing and will keep at it till we die, does it mean there are heavy prices to pay on the way?

kuan_gung: Welcome and thank you.

venkat: Thanks venkat, then I'll have to answer you as I answered Priyanka :)

2:54 pm  
Blogger Raccoon said...

ah, lovely:-)...reminds me of all the best friends I left behind in the process of growing up. But meeting them somehow still evokes all those emotions and somehow reminds me of the happy carefree people we were all those years ago. So going out on a limb here...why didnt anything happen between the two of you..or was it too friendly to be ruined by love?

3:21 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

its never the same...althou am still in touch with my oldest friend...i just cant talk to her for more than 2 mins now!!
i guess, people come in ur life and stay there till there is need...once the lesson is learned, life moves u apart....


10:15 pm  
Blogger anumita said...

pranav: You are back !!! Welcome to the club. And nothing happened because I think we were too young and I was too focussed on where I wanted to be next. Maybe we met later...

bips: You are right. Maybe he would irritate the hell out of me today. What with my reputation of not being able to talk to most people I meet. But then I want to give him that chance I think.

11:40 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi ..

I stumbled across this post and thought it was very beautiful. :)!

I had a long lost friend ..but very recently had a chance to meet up with him. Now I regret meeting him.. cause we have nothing in common anymore and I somehow felt rather disappointed (not sure if that is the right word) after meeting him .. I wish now he was just a wonderful memory and this meeting hadn't runied the wonder years we had together..

Take care, R

7:41 pm  
Anonymous Anu said...

Sounds Sad...n lot of i feel its better to leave the relationship b hw hw it is...
Once mirror broken..hw much evr hard u try...cannot b made up, even if made wid all love.

Rather have them in the list of wnderful memories...!!!

10:24 am  
Blogger Shanks_P said...

That was touching ....I don;t know how it relates to me as I never went through such a thing .....But nicely written and i could feel ...feeling embeded in words .......For a life Destiny rules .....

1:55 am  
Anonymous Rashmi said...

And I hope you are now happy to have found that little one again!


7:46 pm  

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