Thursday, April 30, 2009

Deliver me from reasons why...

Perhaps. Is there a reason for every season?

I look at myself in the mirror after running an eye pencil over my eyes. It seems like my face has changed. I observe the contours closely. I am growing older, the thought struck me. Going by a normal life span... how much longer? Another 30-35 years?

Enough time for anything that I may want to do, to achieve, to live the way I want. I take my mind back to the past few decades. Some bit is blank, some memories shine. A particular childhood thought springs. I wanted to grow up and live with a horse and a dog in a little house on the hills. I smile thinking how far I am from that. I don’t even think I will survive if someone were to grant me this childhood wish.

There is much that is common between my growing up years and now. I enjoy my own company. I don't make any particular effort to touch base with people and don't think about it much. It's like I am walking down a path and seeking freshness in the familiarity. I meet others crossing my path and am glad to see them. I also see others taking other parallel roads. I may wave out to them if they look my way but I will not go over and chat up with them.

I know it's not the right attitude. But this was how I was as a child and this is how I am afraid I am becoming. Sometimes I alienate myself from the family, the husband too. With him there is so much I have to talk, narrate, discuss but I don't get down to it because comfort lies in the silence. I get used to it. There was a word my friends used for me. Moody. I don't know if it's to do with moods. It's much more. For I am not unhappy or upset. I am just silent and it's beautiful. I have enough conversations inside my head.

And when the time comes, will I be wondering if I should have done anything differently? Perhaps.


Blogger AmitL said...

Hi,Anumita-whew!!You won't believe how much this matches with my line of thinking..and,it's not because I'm like this-it's because I'm tired of hearing people back-biting about others who are not around,I'm tired of egoistic people entering into arguments with me even if they know they're wrong,I'm tired of any,well,non-peace situation..:)Finally, my conclusion was- let others be happy with what makes them feel thusly,let me be happy with what makes me feel happy!!Nice way,na!!Of course, this is besides the fact that I'm a silent person,a good observer rather than a good talker.:)
So,worry not-I'm sure you won't regret,some years down the line, as to whether you should have trod on another,different path.
Tks for the bang-on comment on my post...:)
Do see my other blog-
You might find something interesting there also!!:)

2:54 PM  
Blogger Varsha said...

Rather that mood, I would call it a phase...there are times when you want silence, introspection or just a talk with yourself more that anyone else...I didn't know it happened to anyone else apart from myself!

9:58 PM  
Blogger venkat said...

I Understand the meaning of " The child is father of the Man" so much better from experience now than when the teacher was trying to explain it in the high school.Anumita,I identify myself with few things you wrote, and I wonder why the time is running so fast.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Arunima said...

I am the exact opposite of you and my husband is exactly like you.

9:44 PM  
Blogger Alapana said...

Moody? hmmm, i don't think that is the right word, or is it? People say i am moody but for me its just a part of me,its kind of weird to explain why i go silent at times, but i know i want to:)

8:37 PM  
Blogger Mukta said...

you'll blog again when now?! sheesh!

hey! lets go to goa!

11:38 AM  
Blogger anumita said...

amitl: glad to find someone who doesnt find me weird :)

varsha: these times occur too often with me. sometimes i wonder if anybody else felt the same...

venkat: i am always amazed at the temporary nature of time... i am sitting at a meeting and wondering how the presentation is so momentary and i would be somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else... which too would pass...

arunima: i am like a lot of women's husbands as i have been often told by the wives :)

alapana: i cannot imagine you any other way :)

mukta: goa? i asked you for bigger beaches and you refused!

11:38 AM  
Blogger Minal said...

Ditto. Go through the exact same phases. Re reading all your old posts. You having fun?

8:51 AM  

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