Wednesday, September 29, 2004

The magic steps onto 30...

This came in the post, from a friend...

"What does it mean to approach 30 as an urban, Indian woman?"

I replied...

30: maturity, independence, a need and will, to live life to the fullest.
Urban: allows the freedom to rebel, society ceases…
Indian: strings attached, society still matters.
Woman: a woman is a woman is a woman.

I am feeling great today!

Weekend 'thinkings'!

Like I planned, the 3 dayer weekend was for retrospection. And it was more for want of something exciting to do. Also it made me feel better that finally I am taking the time to think about myself, about decisions in life (there aren't too many to make). And I am good at convincing. Myself.

As I went about the usual weekend chores, I kept in mind there was an important task ahead. To think.

But I just couldn't get down to it. While cleaning out a drawer yesterday, I found an old diary and read through.

Deja vu!

A piece I wrote a long time back and felt totally in sync with again, yesterday...

drenched in thoughts
i feel so hazy
so doped and unsure
every bone in the body
is soaked and dripping.
of late, a confusion calls
and another races
to join it.
dancing in unison
they threaten to split me up.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

me then... me now...??

Lunchtime in office. As usual, varied discussions. I was asked the same question again, yesterday...

"Can you forgive infidelity?"

12 years back, my answer was a vehement "NEVER!!!" with a 'how-dare-you-even-ask-me!!' killer of a look accompanying my protest.

5 years back, my answer was "Of course not."

Yesterday, my answer was... pause... pause... more prodding... finally, very thoughtfully, very carefully, "No. I cannot forgive.... but..."

I surprised myself.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Whiff of nostalgia...

Many a times it’s not the person that causes the nostalgia, as much as the experiences and feelings that were associated.

Went on this trip today, down memory lane. Just a few years back but it feels like a lifetime has elapsed.

I was out of college. Fresh and filled with energy… make that… tons of positive energy! My first job. A trainee copywriter. Obnoxiously overworked and grossly underpaid. I had no complaints. I loved every moment of it all.

Worked hard, partied harder. Forever in love with the idea of being in love, the latest crush was… a nice man considered a snob by my friends. Looked gorgeous (so I thought, not necessarily my friends)… spoke well (agreed my friends, grudgingly)… a gentleman.

A phone call, a kind word from him was all it took to make my day. I would grin like an idiot the whole day and work more than my share without even realizing it! I would read meanings in the most innocent conversations we had. It was that heady feeling when nothing else matters and your feet doesn’t touch the ground. Like he had to mention red is his favourite colour and it becomes mine too!! Everything I buy, I wear, I eat, turns red.

Oh… what a magical feeling it was! Living each day… with moods swinging like a pendulum. One moment I would be in the darkest deepest pit and the next moment, ecstatic! Curtsey, my hero, who else! And friends, god bless them, always around to match “so sweet� for every “he’s so caring� and “that’s what he is� for every “he’s a bastard�!!

Every moment of the day took a new meaning for me…
dawn… romantic
sunny afternoon… romantic
rains… romantic
evening… romantic
sunset… romantic

Every place too…
seaside… romantic
theatre… romantic
coffee shop… romantic
old building… romantic
new building… romantic

phew!! I realize now it must have been tough on my friends…

And suddenly, one fine day, I am in the present. A simple woman. Simple life. But with a prized collection of emotions… collected a long time ago… which at select times were matters of life and death!

Nah! Will never trade them. Do they make feelings like them anymore? Do kids start their first jobs (read… freedom… earning own money) with stars in their eyes? And romance in their hearts like me??

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Life is beautiful

Such a beautiful day! Perfect weather... happy people around... all at their best behaviour too! It deceptively feels like Friday (beginning the weekend). That's when we normally see this kind of a day.
Maybe it's the effect of having the millions of Ganpatis in the city... at every nook and corner. Mumbaiites are being blessed!! With smiles on their faces and patience in their spirits... I too am feeling on cloud nine. No apparent reason... just like that.

Since we couldn't make it to a friend's house for Ganpati, after hazaar invitations and reminders, we have been told to make do, later, with the metal Ganpati statue they permanently have at their entrance. Today they will immerse Ganpati Bappa and we can well wait for a whole year now! I feel I am losing out on something precious. The thought scares me... what was I doing for the last five days?

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

dull, duller, dullest...

Dull! Dull! Dull!
That's what I feel now. That's what anybody who meets me now would feel. I am at this point where if I meet me I would run a mile. This is the mood and the time I am at my snappiest best. The colleagues know this... especially when they see me sitting in the same chair for 8 hours straight. Without even breaking for lunch.

Sometimes I suspect it's to do with the clothes I wear. Often what I wear dictates what I feel. But these blue jeans and white knitted top have always been neutral, never let me down... I think it's what I am doing, or not doing... work wise... career wise... even life wise... (did the last one make sense?)

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Monday hues...

Am again struck by the way time's passing us by. I get paranoid at times thinking it would be as soon as tomorrow when I will be walking slowly and stopping to catch a breath before taking my next step.

Just last night we were in this intense conversation. About how youth is our greatest treasure and how we take it for granted. Blindly. There's so much we can do only when we are still young. When we are physically able... because there will come a time when however much we would want to live life, climb mountains, or travel the world or even hold our dear ones hands... it might no longer be physically possible.

A time when child will be the father of man. When it will be our kids we will lend us their hands to cross the road or go to the bathroom...

The mood continued today and though there aren't the usual monday blues, the thoughts have been rolling since...

The house is quiet once more and I spent an afternoon yesterday cheering a team that has forgotten what good cricket means. Also spent a lot of time checking the new channel, Zoom. Nothing great but it was something different for a change...

Felt good to laze about after ages.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

sun, sea, sand and songs...

Another week has passed by. This has become more of a Friday blog. Like at the end of the year, I try to live more and try to fit in more into the remaining days, I guess I try to do the same at the end of the week. That's when I meet my blog deadline too!

It's been a week of fun and frolic, of memories and nostalgia, of bonding and holding, of loving and sharing... there is so much we have been doing in this one week. After some confusion in picking up the Delhi friends when they arrived, it's been smooth. A birthday celebrated, with the cake cut and a jam session ending at 4am... long and longer drives... dining out, dressed up for a change (Delhiites sure can influence you)... going clubbing (though was surprised myself with the quiet scene here...) was trying to convince them there's more to the famed night life in Bombay, than these nightclubs sprinkled with a few casually dressed people enjoying some booze and music...

But the night at the beach was the best. It was a day in paradise. Finally they got to feel the sea around their feet. Something they had been asking for since they landed in Bombay! A beautiful drive... checked into Manori Bell... a swim in the sea... a shower... and we were ravenous! To play safe, I asked for noodles... and was found leching at everybody's plate filled with sea food. Then it was time to nap in the hammocks... But the cold sea breeze woke us up and we went to warm up with some basketball, badminton and table tennis. Watched the sun set from atop the machan. Went for a long long walk on the empty beach... the husbands sipped their beers and both of us girls walked further as we searched our souls and emptied our hearts.

Carrom followed before dinner and then it was back to the hammocks with the guitar and then atop the machan to watch the sea in the dark of the night... time stood still.

It rained hard in the morning and we slept late. But we did take a long leisurely walk after breakfast. We asked the same question we ask everytime, "Why don't we do this more often?" We will. We will.

Friends leave for Delhi tomorrow. After that, it will be back to our usual routine. Work. Play. Work. Travel. Work. Work. Till then, I'll make the most of their last night here. Tonight.

Friday, September 10, 2004

coughs and sniffles

A week has gone by and the head is still heavy. The nose blocked. The AC blasting over my frozen head and chilling me to my bones.
I am not sure who I have to thank for this state of misery... my colleague who sniffed loudly and proudly beside me or the woman who did my maiden pedicure that evening. She bent over my poor toes, trying to scrap off stubborn skin and file my nails into shape, and hit back her head every minute and sniffed long and loud. And said "Aah, this cold!!"

So it's been a week of work at office, of passive interactions at home and massive reflections over all. I have dreamt a lot. In my sleep and when I have been awake too. I am scared to search for interpretations... sometimes they leave me with a nagging feeling for most part of the day...

The good news is tomorrow my childhood bumchum arrives from Del with hubby in tow to visit us. I am looking forward to the late night talks and an encore of all that we did as kids... There would be a lot of late nights, of course, though I suspect they would be all outdoors... showing them about town, taking them to our favourite places... giving them a taste of our city, our life...

Aaaah... the weekend and the next week sure promises to be fun...!

Friday, September 03, 2004

gingerly feeling the waters...

Of late, I have become addicted to reading blogs. Of friends and their friends. And it's become a habit now... As I read, I sneak into people's lives, their moments and their passions. Sometimes I am left marvelling at the sheer magic they weave with words. Sometimes I want to thump on their backs and say "But that exactly what happened with me too!" or "that's how I feel too..." I almost felt like a part of this community and thought it was time to join in.

With a memory that fails me unfailingly, I have often thought of maintaining a journal, to relive some foliates of my life and relish them at leisure, later. And if it need be online, so be it! Also, I have been asked by friends who I regularly bombard with missives the length of epics, to start blogging instead!

So here I am. Unsure but feeling good. Ready, yet not. I am not sure if everything I write will be worth reading... cause when I write, I write for myself... I am selfish. In the purest sense. When I am getting the one chance to write, not to sell, but for my soul, I will not let go of it.

Admittedly, a little skittish, I am feeling the waters... as I take my first step into the world of blogging...